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Kyle Troutman: 20 ‘thank yous’ to 2020
The days of turkey and thanks are upon us, and even though this cluster of a 2020 is flowing as slow as burnt gravy, there are still plenty of things to be thankful for.
I’ve come up with 20 things myself, in honor of this magical year, which I’m writing in the style of Jimmy Fallon’s “Thank You Notes.” If you are reading, just imagine the heartfelt music typically played by The Roots when Fallon performs his notes. I’ve yet to find a way to embed video or audio into the newspaper, but my research is ongoing.
Thank you, turkey farmers, for keeping up with your flocks and providing a national turkey surplus and ground for me to buy extra birds this year. My stomach will love you, but my wallet may not.
Thank you, picky eaters, for allowing me to enjoy the best of holiday fare. Without you, the turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce and specialty pies would not go as far. I honor your sacrifice.
Thank you, bathroom scale, for giving me anxiety. I know you’re lying to me. I just know it.
Thank you, Election 2020, for providing plenty of exhilarating, compelling and intoxicating topics for this year’s Thanksgiving celebration. They need to make stiffer drinks if we do this again in 2024.
Thank you, COVID-19, for keeping us on our toes all year. Surely it’s safer to own as many masks as I do now, and maybe I can avoid some family “musks” with some well-timed social distancing requests.
Thank you, TikTok, for providing hours of entertainment during the shutdown and managing to survive the political attacks that almost killed you. I’m not sure I can classify you as productive or beneficial, but we had some laughs.
Thank you, sports, for making your triumphant return. I don’t care if you’re in a bubble or have 400 fans watching on Zoom instead of actual fans — I still love you.
Thank you, Zoom, for being the go-to virtual meeting platform. So many people never knew before how awesome the wall beside my kitchen truly is.
Thank you, iPhone, for never leaving my side. Even when you are gone, the phantom vibrations in my pocket make me believe you are still there.
Thank you, local health departments, for keeping county residents so well-informed. I think I can find room for a few more press releases each week if you all could just find the time to write them.
Thank you, local restaurants, for giving carry-out options when the shutdown had us all stuck at home. Even I was tired of my own cooking after a couple of weeks.
Thank you, toilet paper, for coming back when you did. There are too many pinecones and not enough leaves in my yard for you to disappear again, and I do see you making another attempt this week.
Thank you, Missouri weather, for giving me so many allergy symptoms during a pandemic. Next year, kindly take your mold and pollen and keep it to yourself.
Thank you, Amazon, for delivering me hundreds of dollars of things I didn’t need this year. I’m not sure exactly how I ordered all this stuff, but I guess I’ll keep it.
Thank you, Facebook, for providing such stimulating conversations over these past few months. Please adjust your algorithm to give me more cat videos and mindless memes. My brain needs to rest.
Thank you, email, for filing so many random subscription list “signups” into my inbox and not my spam folder. Turns out I did have the extra time this year to read about how to generate new leads, make new customers and improve my website with a mobile app.
Thank you, online streaming TV services, for helping me avoid the barrage of political ads in a presidential election year. I don’t care how many times you play me the “LiMu Emu and Doug” Liberty Mutual commercial — keep it coming.
Thank you, local schools, for taking our kids back in class as much as you can and keeping their educations on the right path. We parents are not as smart as we think we are. It’s really teachers that know everything.
Thank you, Cassville soccer team, for letting me be your assistant coach and have a couple hours every day to escape. That said, all you high school boys are super “sus.”
And finally, thank you, my new wife, for putting up with me and still marrying me after such a trying and unpredictable year. I promise to only be equal or less ornery for the rest of our lives.
Kyle Troutman has served as the editor of The Monett Times since 2014. In 2017, he was named William E. James/Missouri Outstanding Young Journalist for daily newspapers. He may be reached at 417-235-3135 or email@example.com.